Remember: it’s all about controlling your breathing. Hold your breath to the count of… Jerry, John, stop playing softball with this vase! Oh, crap! These yoga calming techniques never really work!
If you are a parent of twins who are always up to mischief, try writing about your strong emotions on Twitter: it is the surest way to get rid of them. Do not stick to negatives: share your funny moments with everyone else on this planet! Here are some hilarious examples of what multiples are really capable of.
With twins, the only thing worse than having no candy is having only one piece of candy.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 26, 2015
When people look at my twins and ask if they're identical, I say, "Sure, except for the penis on the boy. And every other thing about them."
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) April 20, 2017
My 4 year old twins used to fight about who got to flush the toilet first. Now no one does. We're going in the wrong direction.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) September 4, 2014
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins…
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 3, 2017
One of my twins is 3" taller than the other + they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they're identical, I always say "yes"
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 16, 2017
My 4 year old twins just cut each other's hair. So that's one thing off my To Do list for this weekend.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) August 15, 2014
— Mario Almaguer (@marioburosu) August 25, 2016
The other day a stranger told me just wait till the start fighting….
Dude that started in the womb#TwinParent
— HappyTots (@TwinMom84) May 22, 2016
Sometimes I'm disappointed that my identical twins aren't creepier. No secret language, no phantom connection, no REDRUM.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) February 27, 2014
Found my 6 year old twins cutting slime with these knives so obviously I've got everything under control here. pic.twitter.com/ybhGCunU9n
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) April 18, 2017
I'm going to drink wine until my twins finish their homework. Put another way, I will have alcohol have poisoning by 9 pm.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) December 10, 2014
Having twins is like getting God's permission to fuck one up.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) April 1, 2017
I'm a parent of twins, I don't care about fair, I just want things to be even
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 10, 2016
Both my twins are pitching a detective series where every single episode ends with the reveal that the other one did it.
— Mat Johnson (@mat_johnson) May 29, 2016
My wife is having twins so she's gonna be pregnant for a year & a fucken half.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2015
Okay, I’m holding my breath and counting: One… John, do not put the cat inside the dishwasher!